You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
it's like iHOP with fire
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
