No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
In America we eat man semen.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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