What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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