Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
