Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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