So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Congratulations! We have a period
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