mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
