my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Actions speak louder than pants.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
