Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
