ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize