It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
