Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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