so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
