She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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