i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude i'm inner monologue high
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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