The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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