What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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