I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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