I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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