You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
