The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
