Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
And then my night got REAL pukey
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize