My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
