She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
