You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
