i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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