when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
