Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
