Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
