My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He better not be in your backpack
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
