I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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