Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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