Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
