Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
