he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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