Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
