I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
