rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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