I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
