mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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