Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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