do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
