Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
