Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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