There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
