i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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