Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
