I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
