I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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