Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
