I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
