i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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