yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
