this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
