Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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