I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize