It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
