Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Found the puke drawer
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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