Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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