we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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