my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
