You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
