My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
