Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
