It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
