I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
