At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
