So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
