Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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