She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
