I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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